famILY or FaMiLy?

The holidays are supposed to be a happy time when you enjoy being with your family, right? Well this is certainly not so if you are Marley Ratliff. I recently came across a bumper sticker on Facebook that simply stated: famILY or FaMiLy? For me it is definitely the latter. I've always had serious issues family wise but the biggest problem lies with my step-dad. He and my mom married 17 years ago when I was 3 and he and I have constantly battled ever since. He hates me. And I'm not simply saying that in the 13 year old girl "my life sucks" kind of way. While he may not say it aloud his actions certainly convey such feelings of animosity towards not only myself, but my elder sister as well. Now, as if growing up with a verbally abusive step-father who made me cry almost daily wasn't enough punishment, he continues to hurt me now that I have moved out on my own. My mother has always refused to stand up for me or my sister, who now is married and has 3 children of her own but still gets treated as if she is a worthless piece of shit by the lovely Brian. I cannot even begin to convey how hurt I am that for the past 17 years my mom has selfishly sat by and watched her husband treat me so badly. I understand that in a conventional situation your spouse should always come first, but when you marry and have children from previous relationships, what is best for them should remain your foremost concern. I have pointed this out to her and she firmly stands by the fact that she does take up for me, but I don't see it. I also believe that if she stood up for me as much as she said she did he wouldn't have treated me so badly for so long. This week the fight was about taxes, a touchy subject for most to begin with. I filed my taxes this past April on my own for the first time. Beforehand, I made it very clear to my parents that I was doing so and that they should not claim me as a dependent. I also asked for their help several times and never received any so as the time to turn them in drew nearer I decided to just do it myself and pray I had gotten it right. Recently they received a letter in the mail saying that they may be audited because they should not have filed me as their dependent. My mother called to tell me and I told her that I would do what I could to help fix it if there had some way on my end to correct it. Now I realize that I was rather sarcastic about it and brushed it off but, finals are nearing and I am beyond stressed about all the medical issues I have had lately and the fact that I cannot seem to feel better for more than a day or so, not to mention that I'm broke and have several things that I need money for and I am also not near my parents so talking about all of this over the phone makes it much more painful and stressful than it should be. I know that's no excuse for being mean to my mother, but I was nonetheless I admit that I was wrong. Finally the whole thing escalated into my asshole step-dad calling and ripping me a new one and basically saying that my problems were not as large as theirs and that he would rather see me suffer than suffer himself, among other, more hurtful, things. I have still received no apology for the way I was treated. Even after the huge fight (which I played down quite a bit) I did what I could to get them out of this jam and have given them a sure fire way to fix everything. He won't apologize though, which I have come to expect because he believes he is never wrong. My mother has said nothing about it to me and is trying to pretend that nothing ever happened, as she always does. I believe this hurts me more than the fight or the fact that he has not apologized. I find that in recent years I am very short with my mother and have little tolerance for many things that she may say or do that annoy me. I can't help but wonder if this is partly because of all of my feelings of anger about many, many things that happened in the past. I would very much like some closure, but I'll never get it because our family policy is not to talk about it and it will all go away. This has never and will never work for me, nor does it truly work for anyone else. I love my mother very much but I am extremely sad, especially lately, because I am beginning to realize that I will never have the relationship that I would like to have with her. I am at my wits end and have decided that, at this point in my life there is no more that I can do to help our relationship and that the key lies in her hands. My only hope is that she will one day use it.